Late at night, i always ask myself if i have already learned to forgive. When pain keeps coming back at night, do i really have the option to just ignore it or am i stucked right at the middle of being not able to forget the pain. From the deepest part of my emotions, i know im trying my best to forgive and let my life go on the way it usually does. And yet there still comes a day that all i feel is that i was being betrayed by the people whom i thought i could trust. i would be stupid if i say i have moved on but still the bitterness wont get rid of me. it makes me sad because at the far end point, i know i should have given up. on my mind is that, i need to let go. just let go..but i just cant throw away few memories. and on the other side of that end point is the decision i had to stand with right now. a decision that slowly consumes me. but then when i face the mirror, i can see the changes. the person that i want to be right now is simply not the same as the person i see on the mirror. Im too afraid to fall too much. im afraid of everything that could happen. im afraid to regret that i have given up my ego because i want a relationship to last. And then he suffers. and thats the last thing that i want him to experience. i want to be happy. i want us to be happy being together because i know, being with him is temporary. i cant in anyway make a happy ending alone. but i just can't stop here. its stupid because i know one day we have to stop but letting go right now is beyond the line that i would want to cross.

But then again, everything pains me. the betrayal itself makes me feel bad about myself. it came to a point that i have to question what else do i have to do? what else do i have possess so that i could be enough for him. where did i had my shortcomings..what did i do to make everything go wrong. and lastly, what does the other one has that i dont have. damn. i hate it. i hate the feeling of comparing myself to others. but i have no choice. and now everytime i see her, everytime i hear her name i can't help but hate her. because among anyone in that house she should have understood the the situation and yet she was too desperate. and i simply get disgusted with her face. But i know i cant spend any more day hating her. it wont make sense after all. and it won't make me forget the pain.

On my mind, i know i just have to keep on trying. Try to bring back the usual person that i want to be. i've been betrayed, i got frustrated but life goes on. A lot of people just don't understand why, but i've made up my mind that i will continue. continue to fix whatever was broken. And just a piece of advice for myself..ALWAYS FEEL WORTHY.

i KNOW THAT IF ITS NOT TODAY, SOMEDAY I'LL LEARN TO FORGIVE AND LATER FORGET. I CANT HURRY THINGS. ITS A PROCESS AND IT ENTAILS TIME AND MUCH MUCH EFFORT TO BE ABLE TO GET OVER THE PAIN. I WANNA FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AGAIN.

JUST WANNA SHARE IT TO ANYONE WHO CAN READ THIS.

Labels: frustration, love