the not-so-HAPPY NEW YEAR ended few minutes ago. I'm supposed to be asleep now, but it gives me headache to lay down in my bed, and tears flow from my eyes.

Anyway, I wanted to say,I don't get to spend much time with the things I normally do when I was younger. I was fond of blogging, I used to change my lay-outs, I was the "fan-girl" type. and as I remember,  I was HAPPY.

 I was the  fighter, and most of all.. the DREAMER.

Everything changed, when I fell in love.


I was happy when I was younger. When  laughing out loud and seeing fireworks was my only happiness.

When I was younger, I was a fighter. I was strong enough to handle my fears, my pain, my loneliness. To struggle,. to endure, was easy. 


I was the DREAMER. I used to believe in miracles! ~I had huge dreams, I promised myself a lot, I told myself, I have to stick to my dreams, to see how the other part of the world looks like, to meet strangers, to experience a different kind of culture. I thought i built my dreams, not on sands but on rocks. Strong enough not to be ruined.



Then I woke up asking...

Is this the downfall of being treated like a princess?
Immaturity, fear, indecisiveness, I don't even know how to face tomorrow.

I paused. Looked at myself. I can't answer the question.
 Then I asked again..

Do I really have to be in pain, for me to have a direction in life?
Does the person, I love the most needs to hurt me so that I can focus on my career, coz having him hurt me makes me strong.


Until such point asked myself, Where am you going?

Where am I heading to? Where are my dreams? Where am I? What do I want? What do i want to happen?

Where do I find answers when the only things I have is the FEAR of losing him AGAIN.
 Should I be in pain again to take responsibility of myself?

Up until now, I'm SO Lost. I can't give you answers when I can't teach myself how to be strong.

Was I  too wrong to believe in fairy tales? Was it stupid that at the midst of shaping my future, I asked God for a Prince to make me fall in love? Was I too unrealistic when i asked God to make my Prince change and let him be the Prince who would treat me a Princess in every way?

Coz you know what, its soooooo HARD to LET GO. It;s so hard to grow UP,.its so hard to be MATURE for myself because everything I do, I always want him by my side.

It's even harder to decide, to think of sacrifice when at the end of the road, its still HIM i would choose.

You know what's the HARDEST? It's thinking, you've lost everything and the only thing that would make you happy is HIM. Not the fireworks, not the dream wedding, not the plans you have for your future, not even the fulfillment of the dreams you had when you were Younger. HIM.

if there's anyone who would read this entry. Thank you for reading. i needed to let that out because I'm caught in a tsunami of confusion. As confused as my mind, this entry is written without a conclusion.I hope you have a happy life. If you don't have a love life now, do not ask why. Just be thankful, because God wanted you to focus on your Dreams.

As for me, I would not regret choosing the fairytale over a miracle. Anyone can find fulfillment in their career, have enough money and buy the things they want, but they are SAD. I am confused, yes.. but knowing that there's this Prince by my side, the one i prayed for, I know I may not fulfill my dreams the way I planned them to be, but I know we will fulfill it together.

i am LOST but thankful in the same way. Let this tears flow as I lay back to my bed now, for tomorrow is a brighter day. With God's grace, I lift all these things to him, and I know, he will show me the light.

Have a goodnight sleep readers.
 (while playing Wonderful Tonight)

xO,
Dahly

http://fallingmeteora.blogspot.com/